It's Tyra!!!! - ANTM All-Stars Week 1

Whoa...you know that summer (and I guess "the party") is over when ANTM is back on the air. This season, Tyra has brought back her "All-Stars": the (so-called) fan favourites from the past 17 cycles.  Won't you join me for a little episode recap action? I promise to bring my A-game; it is All-Stars after all.



I watched this episode with a bunch of friends and the only "favourites" that got cheers/applause/kind words were Laura and Allison. The rest got a good 'ole "meh". Oh, btw, ANTM becomes infinitely more watchable if you get together with friends and drink wine while you watch. We even had cake! Thanks pals!

What did we learn about Tyra?

Tyra has multiple personality disorder, a bad case. Like United States of Tyra bad.

We have lots of new "Tyra-isms"© to look forward to this cycle. Hooray? What is the opposite of hooray? Apparently one new Tyra-ism is "pot ledom", which Tyra has decided is Top Model spelled backwards. I guess Tyra didn't learn backwards/forwards at Harvard? Here is some knowledge for you, Tyra, from Emily University: "ledom pot" is actually how to spell Top Model backwards. You now owe me $5000. I'll text you my Paypal account deets.

I'm not even going to worry about "booty tooch" until I actually have to.

As per usual, we don't see Tyra again until panel. It's a LIVE PANEL!!! In front of thousands of people!!! Even though it's in LA, it totally reminds me of the MuchMusic Video Awards in that it looks like they are trying waaaaaay too hard. Tyra comes out dressed like she is auditioning for a remake of Bugsy Malone. I hope she does not adopt this look for the whole season.

For some reason, Tyra has decided that the judges use an iPad at panel to judge the photos, but still has photos in her hands later on. If you're going to print up the photos anyway, why not use them for judging? Beh!

At the end of panel, Tyra informed us that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Que? She also commends the girl who got the snips for being the CEO of her own life. Oh Tyra, you and your Harvard business talk. I bet your roommates in the dorm never get tired of it.

"...and after I trademarked "Smize"™, I became the CEO of my own life..."

Did anything else happen?

After Tyra goes crazy and we get a preview of some of the upcoming guest judges (Kardashians! Kristen Cavalleri! Pretend to be excited!) and prizes, the girls begin to arrive at their faux-home California mansion. This is starting to feel like Bad Girls Club to me.

Angelea appears first, and I immediately smell a rat. She is wearing one of the vile jumpsuits that Tyra wore all cycle 15. Tyra must have made Angelea wear her hand-me-downs because there's no other explanation for wearing such an ugly jumpsuit. I know she's from Buffalo, but come on! Angelea, get thee to the Walden Galleria stat. They have an Urban Outfitters there now, fyi.

We get a little reminder of who each girl is as she enters the house. When Lisa shows up, Bianca says out loud what we are all already thinking: "She peed in a diaper". Yup. No living that down.

Our first bit of fake drama comes in the form of Bre's entrance. Apparently Bre and Bianca are super-besties but Bre didn't mention to Bianca that she would also be on All-Stars. Bianca is (understandably) a little pissed her friend kept this secret. I'm sure Tyra had nothing to do with Bre's secrecy, hey?

Dominique looks better than I remembered and has just had a baby. Girlfriend looks amazing. Good for you, lady! Sheena & Isis: yay! No one recognizes Kayla because she is now a brunette. Allison tells Isis she's been doing some internships and freelance art directing, and Isis gives her a high five (cute!!). Isis also responds this way when Camille enters, and is quickly becoming my fave:

Photo shoot! Mr. Jay arrives, dressed as Freddy from Scooby Doo no less, and tells the girls they'll be shooting in their back yard.

"...in the MYSTERY MACHINE!!!"

They will be styled as their past Top Model personas. Shocker. The shoot is pretty snore-town. Bianca gets grumpy about having her ugly red extensions put back in, because she is a lady now. Brittany tells us that she now models and "hosts" in LA. One of my pals immediately questioned this, as sometimes when ladies say they're "hosts" they really mean they are prostitutes. I don't think she's a prostitute, but it is a bit of a thing that makes you go hmmmmm.

Oldie Shannon won't pose in giant lace underwears, but doesn't mind wearing a teeny bikini bottom. She must have taken logic with Tyra at Harvard.

#waybiggerthanmostshorts

Panel! Live Audience! Screaming! Time lapse photography! Nigel has hair! Miss J is back!

Miss J = business on top, party on the bottom

Guest judge this week is...Nicki Minaj!! I really like her. You know who else likes her? Anna Wintour.

I wonder if Nicki got in with Anna thanks to my bff, Andre Leon Talley? Perhaps ALT was so smitten with Nicki after meeting her on ANTM that he introduced these two? In my head, I'm picturing ALT and AW at their weekly Tuesday night supper club (at Ma Peche...no, wait, ALT would totally take AW to Daniel, no doubt) where ALT would keep talking about how funny his new friend Nicki is, how well she judged the photos at panel, how he'll totally bring her along to Blaine Trump's next Hamptons party. I also picture Tyra, nose pressed up against the restaurant window, looking at ALT and AW like this:

Eating food without me? Tyra don't play that. Pop off!

Sorry...back to the task at hand. Nicki Minaj was a great guest judge. She had lots of sass, great critiques,  and you could tell Tyra was pissed that she got upstaged.

Here's a quickie live panel recap: Lisa tries to outdo Alexandria's bonnet from last season by wearing one of Blossom's hats. ALT thinks Allison's expression of personal style is brilliant & all love her photo. Nigel reminds us all of Angelea's awesome Hammer-dancing skills and gives her a "Oh no you didn't" when he sees her photo. Tyra thinks Camille's legs have gone to "amazingness" since she competed 7 years ago. Nicki thinks Dominique's photo would be sexy to a man or a woman and Nigel thinks she looks feminine. Tyra calls Oldie Shannon an ANTM OG, Nicki likes the styling of the picture and yells that Shannon's bikini bottoms look like panties.

"Thanks for helping Shannon learn about clothing Ms. Minaj. Kudos!"

Alexandria gets booed! It's totes because she's not wearing her bonnet and has styled her hair to look like Molly's beat up old weave from last cycle. She's trying to have her time, y'all! Stop making her cry. The judges don't like her photo, but think she looks beautiful in person & know she can take good photos. Sheena! Tyra and ALT love her vintage jumpsuit and I think she looks great too. Brittany comes out yelling like she's on wrestling and ALT can't hide his utter disgust:

"Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Caftans. My Salon. Tuesdays with Anna at Daniel...."

The censors blur out Isis' side-boob, no idea why. Her photo is great and ALT thinks she looks like a 21st century mermaid. Fabulous! ALT thinks Bianca's photo is too vintage. Nicki doesn't like Bre's short hair but thinks everything else looks dope. Kayla's photo as a super-gay gets mixed reviews. Nicki loves Laura's dress made by Laura's grandma, Wanda Sue. ALT thinks Laura makes Hee-Haw look high fashion and likes Wanda Sue's dress too. At the end of panel, Tyra announces that in addition to judging the photos, the judges will be judging their personalities too. The Jays poll the audience and will report their findings back to Tyra.

Judging! They yimmer and yammer and I doze off for a bit after eating cake and a custard tart.

Photos in Tyra's Hands! Isis gets top photo, and Brittany & Alexandria are the bottom 2. Brittany gets the boot this week, because she is not memorable. Aaaah-duh. Of course she isn't. The only thing memorable about her cycle of ANTM is this:

Next week: yelling! fights! an emergency!

Nice to see you again! Hope you come back next week for more recapping fun happy times.

XOXO,
Emily

Nicki & AW pic via style.mtv.com