It's Tyra!!!! - ANTM Week 13

"Bleep, bloop, Harvard, smize...I'm too over this season to talk in anything but gibberish"

Finally! The end is here! Let's get to the recap!



First - a quick word about my creative process. I normally watch each episode of ANTM twice before recapping and take detailed notes. I then write the recaps while drinking a cocktail and watching a good tv show. I'm going away for the long weekend tonight, so I did this recap in a bit of a hurry. No notes, just writing as I watched last night and adding the screencaps today. Hope it's not too random, like all the random sounds Tyra made during this episode.

So what happened this week? First, there was the filler: talk about the girls' families, girls trash-talking each other, yippety, yippety. Tyra Mail! It's in Arabic: "Sahel, Khafif, Zoulnah". Brittani's reaction:

PS: I think that is supposed to translate to "easy, breezy, beautiful", but according to Google Translate it reads "plain, blind, Zwolnah". Tyra, what grade did you get in your Arabic class at Harvard?

Brittani is worried about the Covergirl commercial because of Tyra being angry with her earlier this cycle. Molly is worried that she's not perky enough to act well in the commercial.

Ugh. Ivan Bart from IMG is back. Maybe he'll talk about his psychic powers again? No, he's there to speak one-on-one with each girl so that he can report back to IMG. Ivan thinks Molly is really great in photos, but just a pretty girl in person. Brittani has a beautiful face and great attitude. He's also excited to see Brittani do runway.

"My psychic powers tell me you've lost something in your life.
Something that starts with the letter R? No...P?"

Covergirl commercial time! The girls will shoot a live action commercial and print ad, as per usual. They are shilling Lip Perfection lip colour this cycle. Wait, finish reading this recap before you are compelled to rush out and buy 7 tubes! Mr. Jay is going to direct the commercial and the girls get a teleprompter in case they forget their lines. Brittani seems way more nervous than Molly and starts to cry when Mr. Jay is helping her rehearse.

Molly doesn't do that well because she is too self-conscious about moving around on camera. I think she should be self-conscious about the ridiculously horrible outfit they put her in. Mr. Jay tells us that she lost all the charm she had during rehearsal. Ugly dresses can do that to you.

Definition of drekitude? Faux-Bob Mackie, plus purple chiffon

Brittani starts off speaking too fast and starts to get upset with herself. After some feedback, she does much better and Mr. Jay is happy. In the print ad, the photographer says Molly is perfect and likes Brittani's attitude.

Italian Vogue shoot!

Lots of random effects this week!

The photographer from the Covergirl shoot, Pierpaolo Ferrari, is shooting them again and Valentina Serra, the stylist from Italian Vogue, is there to style them. Valentina does a fantastic job and both girls look really pretty. Brittani looks really fresh and natural. She does really well. Molly is grumpy because she has to go last and is cold & hungry. She lacks energy in her shoot, although she looks beautiful.

Surprise! Molly's (adoptive) parents are waiting for her back at the Moroccan crib. Sadly, Brittani's mom doesn't come because she has an anxiety disorder that makes it difficult for her to leave the house. Brittani seems really upset, but does get to talk to her mom via video chat. Both girls seem much sweeter when they are with their families.

Runway! Mr. Jay introduces them to the palace where they will be doing a salon-style fashion show. They will be wearing Vivienne Westwood Anglomania, and Mr. Jay lets them know some familliar faces will be walking with them: Kasia, Alexandria, Hannah, and cycle 15 winner Ann!

Ann gives the girls a pep-talk and seems really friendly. She looks really cute. I guess they wanted to get a bit more work out of the eliminated contestants before letting them fly home.

"What do you mean you don't want to hear my rap about my bonnet?"

Tyra surprises Molly and her parents, and Molly apologizes to them for being such an asshole as a teen. I like Molly's parents - they seem fun and supportive. Sorry you have to hang with Tyra! Tyra commands that Molly give her "poses...beautiful, art, yes, work, love it". Molly's dad tells Tyra she has a "mean stare" & Molly's mom laughs. I heart you Molly's parents! Calling Tyra mean to her face is amazing, but I think you just cost Molly the competition.

"At Harvard, James Franco taught me that yelling random words makes you seem artistic"

Tyra tells Brittani that she looks like Chaka Khan, and then tries to rattle her by asking her how she feels with her mom not being there. Good one Tyra.

I guess they couldn't find enough tourists and kids to make up a proper audience, so there are only a few folks there to watch the show and drink tea with Tyra & the gang. Just kidding! Lots of randoms.

"We were promised a Zoolander-style walk off. Walk off! Walk off!"

ALT doesn't even bother to take his sunglasses off and Miss J is dressed like Strawberry Shortcake's pal Orange Blossom's Arabic cousin.

Tyra smizes at Ann as she opens the show, to remind her of her roots I guess? Nah, she does the same thing with Molly and with Brittani. I think Tyra is having a series of seizures, causing her to her smize uncontrollably and spout gibberish.

The editors were sick when they put this episode together, so they asked a Grade 9 student taking a high school course in Final Cut Pro to edit this episode. That's my theory, anyway. There are way too many random wipes and effects for this to have been done by someone older than 14.

Enough with the fake paparazzi flashbulbs!

I should have gotten out a bottle of Jagermeister and done a shot everytime someone mentioned Brittani being from a trailer park. Seriously. It's been mentioned at least 10 times during this episode. If I'd have had proper foresight, I'd be mega-drunk by now and this recap would have been a whole lot more fun.

"Trailer park! This is shot 9, right?"

Tyra made all the girls in the show look like they're wearing Molly's weave, hey?

The top 2 finish the show by having a walk off! I was totally kidding before about a walk off, but this is really happening. You're copying Zoolander now ANTM? Shame.

Brittani laughs at the beginning and falls down at the end, so she loses the walk off. Poor Brittani has hurt her ankle, cut her wrist, and starts to cry. Man, if I'd added drinking when Brittani cries to my drinking game, I'd be in the ER getting my stomach pumped by now.

Ivan Bart is back! Ugh. Tyra has him do her dirty work and inform the girls that they will be given a brand new look for panel, as they are both officially models now. I knew Tyra was going to find a way to give Molly that weave back!!!

"So glad I mailed that stupid weave to my house"

So basically, to add insult to injury, one of these girls is going to lose the contest and have to live with a new look that Tyra dreamed up for them once they're no longer contractually obligated to listen to Tyra. Worst. Ummmm...Molly's new hair cut is making me miss her weave. Why did you give her a Gleaming the Cube cut? Proper worst.

Brittani's new pixie cut is adorable. Love, love, love.

So, yeah, Brittani is going to win with her nice haircut, and Tyra is getting Molly back for all that weave business with a terrible haircut. What is the opposite of classy? That would be Tyra.

No pre-panel banter this week. Business! Mr. Jay is guest judge this week, and Tyra has forced him to scrub the black kohl eyeliner off. Brittani gets scolded for laughing during the show, but had great confidence overall. ALT says she has an "urban walk". Nigel tells Molly that her walk looks cheap because she bounces. Tyra likes the bounce but tells Molly to work on her transitions because they look too "Hey girl!". Helpful.

We get to see the finished Covergirl commercial, and it looks cheap, cheap, cheap. The kid who edited this episode must have taught their 7-year old sibling Final Cut Pro and had them edit this commercial. DRECKITUDE!!! The judges love that Brittani's face is asymmetrical and Mr. Jay liked her energy. Tyra tells Molly she looks like a mean girl in her shoot. Like the kind of mean girl that makes you get a terrible haircut for no reason? Hmmm...Mr. Jay is impressed that Molly memorized the lines.

The judges like Brittani's Covergirl photo and think it is stunning. Molly's photo is even better and ALT commands that it be FRAMED and put in his salon.

Deliberation! The judges go through both girls portfolios and give random compliments, like that Brittani has a neck like a horse and Molly has an "it factor". They give Molly props for her photos. Tyra talks about how it would be good for the fashion industry if Brittani won, as her face is not symmetrical. She describes this by grunting and moving her face all around. She's not even bothering to use her words at this point! Yeesh.

Tyra makes a point of showing a bunch of her lame marker face/greasy hair shoot from last week. I thought we had dodged that bullet, but oh well...

Decision time! The winner is...Brittani! Molly is upset to lose and has the extra indignity of having to listen to a lame Tyra pep-talk. Not to mention the haircut! Molly's plans for when she goes home involve napping and eating a pulled pork sandwich. Honey, that sounds like heaven to me! PS - you clearly should have won. I like Brittani, but Molly's photos were much stronger. Also, while Molly is grumpy, at least she doesn't cry on set, have panic attacks at panel or yell at her fellow models while working.

...and in the end, bonnets beat weaves and asymmetrical faces are the new black.
FIN

So, yeah, thanks a bunch if you've been reading my ANTM recaps this cycle. You are made of gold! I will be recapping cycle 17 in the fall, and just might try to find a summer show to recap too. We'll see.

Happy long weekend and keep smizing h2t!

XOXO,
Emily

Christian Slater pic via killzoneauthors.blogspot.com; Ryan pic via Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling